Home is where the broken hearth is.
October 29th, 2005 | Published in NYC | 4 Comments
Spinning: The New Pornographers, Twin Cinema
Since moving to New York, I’ve lived in two different apartments, both of which have essentially been studios. (NYC realtors will call absolutely anything a “one-bedroom” if they can, but don’t you believe them.) The strange thing is, both have had fireplaces … neither of which actually worked.
My old place, in Manhattan’s East Village, had one of those glass-enclosed, gas-powered jobs, fake logs and all. I soon learned, despite initial assurances to the contrary, that it had been disconnected and was now for “looks only.” Which would have been a little easier to accept, had it been even mildly pleasant to look at.
The new apartment, in Brooklyn Heights, has a massive fireplace – a real one, with a working flue and everything. But again, no can use. To their credit, the rental company did leave a very nice candle tree in there. To their debit, they also included a set of cast-iron fireplace tools. That’s just rubbing it in.
Sure, I know some people would kill to have even a nonworking fireplace, and I certainly appreciate the aesthetic charm or whatever. But there’s a larger issue at work here. A conflict. I’m talking about the ongoing, undeclared war between the decorative and the functional.
Of course, the style-vs.-substance debate is nothing new. I’m old enough to remember when MTV was actually Music Television. But that war has been over for a long time now; it was lost as soon as the network executives realized that most of you cretins actually seem to prefer the decorative over the functional.
In that case, I guess I can live with it. That’s democracy in action, and if the masses prefer entertainment to art, I’m willing to let them choke on it.
Sometimes, though, it’s not even a question of whether you prefer the decorative to the functional. It’s whether you can tell the fucking difference.
October 29th, 2005at 10:26 pm(#)
Dear Uncle Jeff,
I really enjoyed today’s entry! Not only did I learn a bitchin’ new word, but I also learned an all-new concept. It’s crazy how often that happens at my age.
While I see your point on knowing the difference between the two terms, I’d like to remind you that everything is relative. For example, something may be decorative to you but functional to me. And that’s okay! It’s not that one of us is right and one of us is wrong, Uncle Jeff. Our current situation in life simply dictates which is which.
On a related but different note, I was talking to my old man about your entry and he told me all about functional fixedness. He said that one of the reasons we humans are more advanced than the other animals is because most of us aren’t fixed on the specific function things were made for. I asked him for an example, and he mentioned a butter knife. Anyone who has ever used a butter knife for a screwdriver has overcome functional fixedness, he told me.
So I decided to show him how advanced I am. Not only was I going to use a butter knife as a screwdriver, but I was also going to use an electrical outlet at a screw! I thought it was genius, but he flipped out.
You adults are — ahem — fucking crazy.
Rock on, Uncle Jeff!
Jude. 15, going on 16. Months old.
October 30th, 2005at 7:02 pm(#)
Thanks for the link to the New Pornographers. ANOTHER reason to check in on a daily basis!
October 30th, 2005at 7:11 pm(#)
After my 37 years and counting, I can unequivocally say “decorative” in general is for the fucking birds. (By the way, those same decorative birds will eventually help kill us all with their little pandemic flu.)
A fireplace that does not work, or seeks to function, is just a dark hole in the wall. Rather, a wasted space that is supposed to somehow carry the yule log amber glow from our youth….and this is a selling point? I bet that candle tree puts out some serious BTUs, but I would rather brick over the facade and put up a Norman Rockwell print. At least then the hypocrisy does not cause a cold downdraft in the winter or squirrels in the summer.
November 3rd, 2005at 1:24 pm(#)
I’ve got two fireplaces – one boasts a functional and decorative coal fire, the other a functional and decorative wood-burning stove. Both are a pain in the arse to light and then keep alight so while they do function, they don’t function very often.
Because of this during the winter I mostly rely on my functional central heating. But I have ugly radiators so they are hidden behind decorative radiator cabinets.
So you see, the decorative and the functional can co-exist quite happily.